Things Happen That Surprise Me

My wife and I have been having a series of serious talks over the past week. Nothing serious about "us"...just exploring some topics that we both care deeply about. Some of it relates to our processing of grief, some to our spirituality, some to our beliefs about the relationship between pleasure and happiness. As we've gone through these discussions this week, we've both had some "ah ha" moments where we learned new things, came upon a new idea, or gained new perspective from the other.

But we did finish our last conversation late last night with still some questions remaining unanswered and some feelings still lingering without resolution.

Then we went to church this morning. It was a day where our minister had swapped pulpits with another minister in the state - he was at their church and she was at ours. And with a visiting minister, we walked in without any idea what the sermon would be about - no title on the web page, no summary in the monthly newsletter.

As she talked, we were both struck repeatedly by how the things she said related to our conversations. Over and over. We couldn't wait till we got out to the car to just look at each other and go "oh my god!" Several things said summarized some of our thoughts perfectly. Some of what she said expanded our ideas. And some of it gave us new ideas and thoughts that just helped pull it all together.

Coincidence? Synchronicity? Fate? Dumb luck?

I have no idea what really makes things like that happen. But when it does, I can feel myself reacting to the surprise and the pure joy of being in the moment with that kind of experience.

I'm Troubled By Halloween - Part 2

So just in case you didn't get enough of my ramblings in my post yesterday, let's revisit my troubles with Halloween. This time, I want to go to the other end of the spectrum. We talked enough about the events that trouble me due to their violence, their intensity, and their overt attempts at scaring people into going to church.

Now we go way over to the most family friendly of the Halloween activities....the Trunk or Treat. Again, this is an event most often sponsored by a church group, but in some cases, other community organizations have promoted such an activity. The focus of the activity, depending on who you listen to, is to "provide a safe family environment for trick or treaters" or to be an "excellent outreach event" for a church.

There is nothing scary about a Trunk or Treat. In fact, many of them even have costume guidelines to make sure that all the kids come dressed as a super hero or a fairy but not Dracula or a ghost. And that seems to be one key part of this...to make a Halloween event that is not frightening.

I've got no problem with that. Little kids often need to avoid things that may seem frightening.

But this isn't really about the costume. I'm convinced, this is about sanitizing an event that seems a bit too non-Christian while segregating the church folks from the rest of their community. I mean, I know some people in the US live in neighborhoods that are just not safe. No one would go out and walk around at night. I get that. But I wonder if those are the places where Trunk or Treats are really taking place? Or does this mostly happen in nice middle and upper-middle class neighborhoods where the kids could safely trick or treat on well-lit sidewalks and among welcoming homes?

I also have no problem with a church or any other organization wanting to host their own activities as a form of building their own community. Certainly many groups have fall festivals, apple picking, trips to corn mazes, etc. Those are all excellent group activities.

But what happens when it becomes a way to exclude participation in their home neighborhood?

Many Trunk or Treaters aren't doing this as an extra fun event for their kids...they are doing as the ONLY event for their kids. They gather in a parking lot, pass out candy just to the kids who are members of their group, and then go home and keep the lights out on Halloween night....turning away all the other children in their community.

Is that really the kind of neighborhood we want? One where, in the guise of making Halloween safe, some of our most concerned parents actually turn away from their neighbors? If we want our sidewalks and neighborhoods to be safe on Halloween, shouldn't those concerned parents be the most visible presence walking about on that evening? Isn't that how we build a community and neighborhood...by participating, by being active, by actually showing up? I'm just not sure how we help encourage a safe Halloween if people keep their kids home on that night and become unwelcoming to other kids.

We are fortunate to live in a large neighborhood with plenty of sidewalks, lots of street lights, and homes that will have their porch lights on. Some folks will just pass out the candy while others will enjoy decorating with jack-o-lanterns, a scarecrow or two, the occasional scary sound effects tape, and even one neighbor who annually erects an entire graveyard in his front yard, complete with friends who dress up and rise from the coffins to greet kids. And yes, they are very kid-friendly with lookouts to alert them so the scary-fun stuff happens with older kids (and the adults who enjoy dropping by!) while the non-scary-fun stuff happens with younger kids.

Our sidewalks will be crowded. People will drive in from surrounding areas where walking is quite as safe. Our porch light will be on. And we have plenty of 3 Musketeers, Pixie Stix, M&M's and Kit Kat bars for everyone. So feel free to drop by. We love seeing everyone in their costumes...as well as those teenagers who drop by at the end of the night looking just a bit embarrassed by still hoping for a Reese's and enjoying a holiday that they don't want to ever outgrow.

We'll keep the light on for you.

I'm Troubled By Halloween - Part 1

Let me set the record straight right up front. I love Halloween. I had fun as a kid, dressing in my costume and racing through the neighborhood gathering up the goodies. I had fun as a teenager going to Halloween parties. And I've had the most fun on Halloween as I walked through our neighborhood with our kids...holding their hand in the dark and then just holding the flashlight when they were too old to want to hold hands. I've prompted them to ring the bell and say "trick or treat". And of course, I prompted them to say "thank you" once the loot had been delivered. I've even participated in some Samhain rituals in pagan celebration of the season. So as you can see, I've got no intrinsic problem with the holiday.

But I am troubled by how it has been co-opted by groups for their own purposes. In the 90's we were treated to Hell Houses - church sponsored horror shows designed the scare the crap out of people with their interpretation of all the evils in the world such as abortion and drinking. Talk about taking the fun out of a haunted house...these folks knew just how to suck all the joy out of a holiday and turn it into a sledgehammer-to-the-head approach to winning people over to their view of Christianity.

Eventually, Hell Houses became a bit too gruesome and controversial so a newer, milder version of Hell Houses hit the scene. These new guided tours are known as Judgement House, a different dramatic presentation about the "truth of people's choices". In fact, Judgement House (the two "e's" are their idea, not mine) has been around since the early 80's, but seemed to really grow in popularity in the early part of this decade as Hell Houses faded from popularity.

Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against religious groups sharing their beliefs and values. But the Hell House movement was extreme. However, it was not the most extreme horror show on this little tour.

Oh no, that honor goes to the Tribulation Trail. Located in the woods of southern Georgia, the Tribulation Trail is a 90-minute walk through the woods sponsored by the Mount Vernon Baptist Church. It bills itself as a "walk through drama portraying the end of times". What it really is, as reported by one participant, is an "intensely violent rendition of standard end-times scenarios". Six of the twelve scenes involve executions including a teenager watching his young sister beaten to death. Participants are "guided" from scene to scene by men and teenage boys carrying automatic rifles. Yet, the official website for the Tribulation Trail says it is fine for kids 10 years of age and older. And perhaps the most frightening thing of all...25,000 people a year buy tickets and take the walk and this year it is sold out.

So someone explain this to me. When so many religious groups are wanting to avoid Halloween because it isn't safe or "kid friendly"...costumes are too scary...there is too much "evil" associated with it...etc...etc...how is it that religious groups are also bringing us some of the most revolting moments of Halloween horror? Can these types of events really convert people? Or is it merely a faith-promoting tool for the believers?

I understand their purpose. I'm just very confused by their tactics. Confused and appalled. I'm very clear that these activities do not represent my values. And I'm clear that I don't believe this is what Halloween is all about...whether you believe in the spirituality of Samhain, Day of the Dead, or just want a good Snickers.

A nice celebration

Yesterday was Daughter14's Affirmation ceremony. An Affirmation ceremony is the "coming of age" ceremony at our church.

All 9th grade students spend a year in the Affirmation class. During the year they explore the principles and beliefs of our religion...but also continue to explore a variety of other religious and spiritual pathways. These explorations are combined with discussions of all the "big" topics - what makes a person unique and special; what does each of them value in others; is there a God or Goddess or multiple gods and goddesses and, if so, what form do they take and what is their role in our daily lives; what happens when we die; etc.

It is not easy for a 14 year old to figure out what they believe about these things. It isn't even easy for a 52 year old to figure it out!

But the culminating portion of the class is that each student, working with the two class leaders and their own personal mentor, writes a credo statement about their beliefs at this point in their life. And then those statements are shared with the congregation during the Affirmation ceremony.

My daughter hates speaking in front of a crowd. And she considers any group with more than two people to be a crowd! But the church was packed and she did an awesome job.

In fact, all the kids did a terrific job.

And then there was a nice reception afterwards. I mean, all good events have food...right!?!

Daughter14....you did great! We are very proud of you!!!

Brought to you by the letter P

My friend cs has tagged me with this little meme. It seems simple enough...write about seven words that begin with the letter P. All I have to do is choose seven words and start writing.

Yeah, I know. Seven words that begin with P. I was tempted. What a list of P words that came to mind! P words in the bathroom. P words in the bedroom. Body parts and body functions. All starting with P.

But that would be too easy. Besides, if you read the words chosen by cs, you'll see that she set the bar a little bit higher than the words that first raced around in my brain.

So I've chosen different words to explore - all beginning with the letter P.

Parent. I've got three kids between 13 and 20 years of age. And one of our kids has multiple special needs. So for the past twenty years, one of the most significant aspects of my life has been parenting. And I feel good about my parenting. I'm not great at it but I take it very seriously. I'm not always conventional or predictable. But I have a great time with my kids. And no matter how old they get, I'll always have the pleasure of being their parent.

Partner. There are so many ways to describe my relationship with my wife. Spouses. Lovers. Best friends. Soul mates. Some terms seem more romantic, some seem more practical. And they all imply different aspects of our relationship. And 'partner' is certainly one aspect that is very important. We share in having fun and also in making tough decisions. We share in the challenges of raising a family and making a home. We support each other when money is tight and we celebrate together when things are going well. We are partners - side by side, sharing in all aspects of life.

Pagan. Just a couple of weeks ago, I participated in the Joys & Trials meme. In the comments, a couple of folks asked questions about just what spiritual path I followed. I grew up in a conservative Southern Baptist family. Upon reaching adulthood and moving away from home, I stopped attending church and didn't really even think about religion for many years. When I finally returned to a church, I chose Unitarian Universalism, a church that has no specific doctrine, giving me the opportunity to explore based on my own interests and feelings. And that exploration has led me through a much more liberal perspective on Christianity, some Buddhist study, a lot of reading on Quantum Theology, and paganism. I'll admit, I don't practice any pathway as much as I think I should. But I do seem to have settled into a belief system that is sort of a blending of a few of my original beliefs combined with some of the quantum theories and a lot of paganism. I've sometimes referred to myself as a solitary autodidactic eclectic. Just a fancy way of saying I sort of make it up as I go along. But for me, it has to be that way. There are aspects of different spiritual pathways that are meaningful to me and I incorporate those into my beliefs. But I probably pull the most from paganism. I love the connection to nature, the feelings of mystery, the historical connections to old Celtic practices. The more I really pay attention to my body, the more aware I am of just how much I am influenced by the changing of the seasons and by spending time outdoors. And pagan spirituality reinforces that for me on many levels. I used to think I had to pick a path and stick with it. Sort of the "finding the right way" attitude. Now I know that, for me at least, it will always be a learning process, growing as I grow.

Play. I love to play. I enjoy board games and card games. I love to just be silly. I'm sure everyone in my family would tell you that I rarely act my age. But who says old guys have to act serious? My daughter just told me this week that one of her friends told her that she really liked me and wished her dad was more fun. You just can't beat that kind of review!

Pets. Animals have been a huge part of our family. At the moment, we only have five - one dog, two turtles, and two rabbits. But we've had as many as twenty at a time including dogs, cats, turtles, rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, and fish. Some of our animals have been entered into the local fairs. We've even had a couple of Grand Champions! And just in case all those animals weren't enough, we've also been a foster family for raising guide dog puppies a couple of times. All those extra paws and claws and fins certainly make our house a fun place to be.

Present. Nope, not like a birthday present (though you can send me a present any time you want!) I'm talking about being present. In the moment. This is my personal challenge - to really be present in the moment. It is so easy to be sitting in the sun or floating in the lake while my brain reviews things I need to do at work. I can go out to dinner with my family and find myself planning things I need to get done on the weekend. And I'm trying to stop that. To learn to really be present in the moment. To embrace each activity as it happens. There will be plenty of time for work when I get to work. Plenty of time for chores and paying bills. My kids are growing up fast and I want to really live in every minute.

Word seven. But cs established a pattern (oh look, another P word!). She chose to only write about six words. That seems perfect (there's another one). So I'm going parrot her lead and do the same (okay, am I trying too hard now?).

But I do need pass this P meme along to another blogger. And to do that, I'm going to the Pole. The North Pole. Well, nearly that far. I'm passing it along to Kati in Alaska. Have fun, Kati! I'm eager to see what you do with the P's!

Joys & Trials

I was tagged earlier this week by my blogger friend Kati over at Dragonfly's Musings. Kati loves to share about her family - hubby and daughter - plus her thoughts and opinions on a wide variety of topics. I thoroughly enjoy her blog. And when she tagged me with this meme, I was happy to take a shot at it.

The Joys & Trials meme works like this...

1. You have to use your own belief system for the meme. No fair using someone else’s to make a joke or satire. Being humorous about your own religion is encouraged!
   
2. You have to have at least one joy and one trial. More are encouraged. And no, they don’t have to be equal in length, but please be honest.
   
3. You have to tag at least one other person. More are appreciated!
   
4. Please post these rules!

I liked thinking about this one because it really did give me a chance for some reflection about both the good and the not-so-good of my spirituality. And here is what I came up with...

Joys

• I like that my spirituality connects me strongly with nature, the cycles of the earth, the changing of the seasons.
• I like that I have the freedom to make my own decisions and choices about how I view and interact with the divine.
• I like the sense of mystery and magic.
• I like that some rituals can be traced back for hundreds of years, and yet, can still be individualized and personalized - making them most special for me while connecting me with the past.
• I like that my family loves celebrating some of the holidays - particularly Samhain and Yule.

Trials

• It is a bit lonely to follow a spiritual path when there are no others around who follow the same path.
• Having grown up in a very rigid and rule-governed religion, there is sometimes a sense of a lack of direction as there is no leader or minister to guide my practice.
• Having come to this pathway late in life, I often feel there is so much to learn and so little time.

And two of my trials are so similar to what Kati expressed...

• Holidays can fall at the most inopportune times since they relate to seasons, phases of the moon, etc. It is not always easy to celebrate on a school night. LOL
• The names chosen by some practicing members can be very off-putting.

And now I get the additional joy of tagging someone else. Sometimes it is hard to decide just who to tag for a meme. But this time it was easy. I'm tagging Wizened Wizard. I've read her blog for the past year and she has amazed me with stories of her life. She continues to lead a life so full of rich experiences and diversity. And I'm really curious to get a peek into how her spirituality - whatever that might be - has played a role in her life.

You Are What You Eat

I'm not sure how true that post title is, but most people who have known me throughout my life would assume I should now look like a Value Meal. I'm not the best eater in the world when it comes to healthy choices. But our family has spent the last year or so thinking more carefully about what we eat. Not just for dietary reasons, but also for the impact our food choices have on the food system and the environment as a whole. And those choices aren't always easy to make. I finally got around to reading the recent article in Time magazine on organic food versus local food, and the author did a pretty nice job of laying out the pros and cons of attempting to make these choices.

Why do we sometimes eat organic? The obvious answer would be to avoid ingesting all those pesticides sprayed on crops to get rid of those pesky bugs. There is still much debate about whether those small amounts really harm us. Some scientists say we are over-reacting. Others say the pesticides do horrible things to us from cancer to hair loss to shrunken testicles. I think one scientist has identified the "Spears Syndrome"...brief bouts of irrational behavior and head shaving from eating that stuff.

But our choice also deals with the food system. When the bugs do eat the poison, and then are eaten by birds, the bird population suffers. The poisons drain into the dirt and eventually into the water table...killing small animals in streams and rivers that larger fish need as a food source. So eating organic seems like a good choice.

But have you tried? Our local, giant supermarket only offers a handful of organic produce. And the price is much higher than the rest of the produce. So it is hard to find and hard to afford. And it may have traveled from far away to get here. Good to avoid the toxins...but the benefit is almost eliminated by the fuel used and the pollution created in shipping the food around the world.

Which bring me to locally grown foods. "Bioregionalism" is the fancy term for it. Eating foods grown in your local area. This has been an easier shift for our family. Oh, don't get me wrong, we eat plenty of stuff grown around the world. But throughout the summer we visit the local farmer's markets for some of our groceries. And last summer we joined a CSA - Community Supported Agriculture. If you've not heard of these, this is the system where each member pays the farmer in advance. In our case, we pay $325 in March. Then for the entire summer, we drop by the farm once a week and we get an equal share of all that was harvested that week. Fresh herbs, salad greens, strawberries, boxes of tomatoes for making and freezing sauce, melons. squash, beans, fresh garlic, zucchini, peppers, etc, etc, etc. We got way more than $325 worth of produce and ate fresh vegetables every day during the summer (and had plenty to blend with fall foliage for our Mabon centerpiece to celebrate the harvest). We also filled our freezer with frozen veggies fresh from the field and home-made spaghetti sauces and breaded zucchini slices and more. And to really make this a good thing, our local farmer is certified organic! The best of both worlds!! So we've been lucky there.

Our latest effort - and this is no picnic for Mr Value Meal here, is we are trying to go one day a week without eating meat. Trust me, I'll never be a vegetarian. Not that there is anything wrong with it. I'm sure it is a healthy choice. But I love meat. Love burgers and steak and pork chops. But one day a week...okay, I can do that. But why would we? Well we learned that if each family went meatless just one day a week, by the end of the year several million barrels of fuel oil would have been saved without trucking all that meat around. Thousands of acres of rain forest would be saved without the need to for so much grazing land for cattle. Greenhouse gases would be significantly reduced without the pollution associated with the additional ranching and transportation. But it isn't easy.

None of this is easy. Especially in a region of the country with long winters and short growing seasons. And I'm not writing this as a lecture to try to encourage folks to do the same. I'm just sharing.

But do I like it? Yes. I realized when we got a new roof, we interviewed four different contractors, asked for references, and picked a local guy with a good history. I knew more about my roofer than I did the guy who grew the food for my family. Now, I like knowing George, the guy who owns the local farm we joined. I like chatting with him every week about the heritage produce and the hybrid stuff and tasting things he just pulled from the field.

And eating that way makes me feel a little more connected to the earth. We are more likely to eat what is in season...and not choose that six-dollar, baseball-sized cantaloupe at the market this month that came from the other side of the world. As a pagan, I like being more connected to the cycles of nature. And I like making choices that are good for not just me, not just my family, but for the earth.

How much? And who? And do we care?

I hold a position on the board of our church. And we are just getting ready to start a fund-raising effort to build a new sanctuary and to update and expand the rest of our building. (No, don't worry, I'm not gonna ask you for money. You can keep reading without fear.) Our new building will be a great space for us with emphasis placed on minimizing our 'footprint' on the earth by using solar panels, geothermal tubes, and other environmentally friendly building techniques. We are very excited.

But here is where it gets tricky. There is money involved. No, not this post...trust me! But in the building of the church. Pledges will be sought. Gifts of cash, stocks, and other financial assets will be given. And money makes people do funny things.

It has taken quite a few meetings by different committees to get from the initial thoughts of the building up to this point with an architect and floor plans and a ground-breaking planned for last summer. But it has taken almost that many meetings to figure out how to recognize people who give.

Some folks place a much higher value on gifts of money than on gifts of time. And that troubles me because none of this would happen without many volunteer hours. Yet it is the cash donations that seem to dominate the discussions. No one seems interested in just listing all givers on one plaque. No, there are always two forms of recognition in every discussion - those who give money and those who give 'time and talents'.

So what are the issues? Well, for example, do we allow the largest donors to have naming rights? If you give $100,000, can you name the kitchen after a famous person in our religion's history? And what about recognition for all donations? Do we have a plaque that identifies givers of $100,000 and more; then $75,000-$100,00; etc, etc...down to that $1 to $1000 category? Or do we just list all givers in alphabetical order with no indication of amount?

Oh the discussions and votes we have had! Every month for many months now, someone from some committee or with some personal interest, has asked to be on the Board's monthly agenda to come and plead their case for their ideas on recognition. They give thoughtful arguments. But the next person will have a differing opinion with equally thoughtful arguments.

But I wonder. For large contributors, those fortunate enough to have that kind of money and generous enough to donate it to their church, does it really make a difference to get their name on a plaque? If they had sat down with their budget and decided they could give...let's say...$70,000....would they really break their budget and give $75,000 if that meant their name went higher up on the plaque?

I can be pretty objective about this because I don't have a lot of money to give. No matter what the plaque looks like, no doubt I'll be in the category at the bottom. And given that fact, maybe I just don't understand what it is like to be able to give that generously. Nor do I have a real understanding of the incentives behind some forms of recognition.

But I know we've voted. And we've voted to reconsider our vote. And we've reconsidered. And we've voted again. And no matter where this ends up, I believe some folks will be happy, some will be disappointed, and some will even be angry by the final decision. I hate it that some people will give generously but still feel disappointed about how their gift was handled. And I would feel very badly if I thought our votes would actually stop someone from giving.

Even in matters of spirituality and when people are feeling most generous, money does funny things to people.

Yule

Today is the first full day of winter. As the earth turns on its axis and brings us into winter, pagans recall the celebrations of our ancestors. The bonfires and the Yule log, said to foretell good luck if it burned for twelve hours. Our ancestors also bring us the tradition of decorating our homes with evergreens as a way of reminding us about the life in nature when much of nature around us seems to die away. Even mistletoe, thought to provide healing and protection, was used in decorations.

We embrace the dark and cold of winter. We gather together with our families and friends around the hearth. It is a time of rekindling relationships and connections with each other.

But we also we lean toward tomorrow, and the day after. Always leaning toward the light of the longer days.

Blessed Yule.

The Eve of The Eve

All Hallows Eve, Halloween, Samhain. Pumpkins, candy corn, ghosties, ghoulies, goblins, Tarot cards, spirits and trick or treating. Tomorrow is certainly a fun holiday with a lot of variety in how celebrants from around the world observe the day.

The cold, lean months are coming. We gather around home and hearth as the colder weather encourages us to spend more time indoors. Crops have been gathered and fields stand empty until the spring.

And for those of us who celebrate Samhain, it is a spiritual time of the year. This is the time when it is believed the veils between the worlds is at its thinnest. At this time, we honor our ancestors. Ancient customs included setting food out for dead relatives, communication with the dead was thought to be easy, and divination was a particularly potent ritual. Even today, many pagans find ways to honor the dead and to celebrate what they left to us.

The kids will be out trick or treating. We'll pass out the Snickers Fun Size bars and Skittles. Our jack-o-lantern will take a prominent seat on the porch. And a good time will be had by all.

But we'll also pause for a few moments, light a solitary candle on the altar, and give thanks to those who've gone before.

I hope they hear us.