The Mom Gap

It has been a week since I last posted. I realize I miss it! I've wanted to write. But there just wasn't time. Why? Cause my mom came to visit. She arrived last Tuesday and heads home tomorrow. Nine days.

So what is a visit from mom like? I wanna say...take the bizarre behavior of Mork, take away every ounce of humor, and add 50 years of being absolutely certain that your view is the ONLY view of things in the world. And that might be selling the visit as better than it is.

Nine days of listening to rambles about people and things we don't know. We don't respond. But she doesn't need a response. In fact, any response just slows the flow of the monologue.

Nine days of answering the same "yes/no" questions. Any attempt to provide more information is met with a bored 'uh huh' or is just interrupted by the next question or monologue.

Nine days, sadly, of tolerating her deeply seated racist views of the world. We cringe. We redirect the monologue. My wife even confronted her directly on some of her comments...even relying on the old standbys of 'do unto others' and 'kindness is a virtue', along with 'the inherent worth and dignity of all people'. Surprisingly, that was met with 'the bible never told me I had to be nice to everyone'. Hmmm.

Nine days. Just about five days too long.

I never expected this!

So I turned 50 last month. Not such a big deal. I don't feel old. Don't look old (so I'm told by reliable sources). So I wasn't really worried. Oh, getting the bifocals - pardon me, graduated lenses - made me feel a little old. But that seemed to be the only real sign of aging.

And then I broke a tooth. Could happen to anybody, right? But I wasn't eating cashew nuts or nachos or chewy taffy. Oh no. I broke a huge hunk off of a tooth eating a glazed donut. A fresh one. Soft. Should not have broken a tooth, right? Dentist managed to repair without much discomfort.

Then I went to the doctor due to some discomfort. That led to some simple tests in the office. Not being satisfied, I'm now lined up for blood work, a session of nerve conduction testing, and a return to the doctor. Oh...and get this. The doctor actually used the phrase "a person of your age". OUCH! Totally unnecessary, dear doctor.

And last night, eating a pizza with a soft crust, I broke another freaking tooth!! Not the same one...but the same position on the opposite side! Of course the dentist was all booked up today. I whined on the phone about eating Thanksgiving dinner with a broken tooth and earned their sympathy. They worked me into the schedule and all is well - as long as I avoid hard food, sticky food, cold food, and hot food. And get this...he actually used the phrase "when people get to be your age". Is this a conspiracy?!?

So I feel a little like I'm falling apart overnight. And I'm not loving that feeling. But I know I've had enough of that 'person of your age' shit! I'm just NOT that old!

This is a 'must have'

Things are gearing up for the big feast. My wife has already baked lots of pumpkin bread and cranberry bread. We've planned our appetizers. And the actual meal is planned. Not too much work in the planning stages cause we stick with pretty traditional fare - turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, etc. And all the shopping is done and the ingredients are awaiting us in the cupboard.

I've also had some time to engage in one of my favorite pre-holiday pastimes - watching The Food Network. Every cook who ever had a show gets their own holiday special. And then they all come together for The Food Network cook-off or holiday luncheon or whatever they call it. And from the shows I've seen so far, it seems that this year a huge focus is on the mighty cranberry. That tiny red fruit waiting to burst forth on our holiday table and bring us delightful goodness. No longer shall it be just a side dish. Oh no! It is time to heat up your cranberries with some various juices and liqueurs, throw in some diced mango, stir in some crushed nuts, and serve it all up as a feast for the eyes and the palate.

Good for them. But there is one thing that I absolutely must have to make my Thanksgiving meal complete...

Don't look, Mom!

When Son16 was about 5 years old, he was outside playing on the driveway one warm summer day when he dashed into the house, told his mom, "Don't look out the window, okay?", and then dashed back outside. Now, my wife is a very smart woman. So she did what any smart parent would do. She ran directly to the window, did not pass GO and did not collect $200. And she arrived at the window just in time to watch young Son whip it out and pee all over the driveway!

When you make the decision to have kids there is just no way to predict what types of rules you might have to make up. But 'thou shalt not pee in our yard' has been a standard guideline for our kids since that day.

Leaves From Afar

Look at the size of this leaf!

Yesterday I did a final leaf cleaning around the yard. And found numerous specimens of this gigantic size. Scary. I know there was nothing this big hanging over my head in the summer. That would not look like leaf cover. That would look like a tree filled with patio umbrellas! The only explanation I can find that makes sense...aliens. Someone from another planet is dumping his/her/its fallen leaves in my yard! That would certainly explain why I keep raking but never finish.

Hey, ladies!

Yesterday, Son16 had one of his regular check-ups with the specialist who prescribes meds related to his disabilities. And they always do a variety of tests to check therapeutic levels, impact of side effects, etc. Height, weight, blood tests, naming the states in reverse alphabetical order. Anyway, yesterday they tested his Body Mass Index. At dinner he was sharing this story and informed the family that he scored a 21 and 21 was 'desirable'. We nearly peed ourselves laughing over that one.

Hey, ladies, I've got a BMI of 21...wanna hang out?

Where's that remote?

Television is battling for ratings. Prime time shows are breaking out their very best to get us to tune in and watch. And I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for television. I love it. My guilty pleasure is that some nights I’m watching one show while taping two others at the same time. Oh, I know, just get TiVo, you say. But that costs money. I can still press the ‘record’ button on the VCR for free. But this isn’t about my finger exercises, this is about ‘my shows’ and the stupid networks that want us to watch.

LOST. This is a must-see. The layers of character development alone make it worth viewing. Combine that with the actual plot lines and it makes a show I love to watch.

Same with CSI. And I mean the real CSI, not the spin-offs in Miami and New York. Those do nothing for me. But the original is hard to beat. Great characters. Great stories. Just enough humor thrown in to give it a wry twist.

And for the best humor of the week there is Boston Legal. The oddest bunch of folks with bizarre story lines. This is a great show to brighten things up in the middle of the week.

I also enjoy a couple of the fall reality shows. Survivor is still good, though getting a bit tired. And Amazing Race still keeps me rooting for certain teams to do well. And I love watching the “I’m too good for home cooking” chefs on Top Chef bitch and moan cause they are asked to cook a meatloaf.

What else? Two And A Half Men makes me laugh. What About Brian is the new Thirtysomething. And I enjoyed Thirtysomething. Standoff, NCIS, Criminal Minds, and Jericho are all fun to watch. And when it is in season (whenever that is, hard to keep up with seasons these days), Monk is a real pleasure.

Can’t forget late night viewing. The day is not complete without The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Gotta get my news somewhere! ☺

BUT…here is my rant for the day. If the networks want us to watch, why do they keep screwing around with the schedules?!?! Let’s take Boston Legal.
It should have been on last night. But no, some new game show was on. It should be on next Tuesday, but some awards show is on. And it should have been on last week. And the week before. But no! The last new episode aired on Halloween. And according to their website, it won’t be on next week either. In fact, the next new episode will be on a Sunday rather than a Tuesday. Talk about messed up! And they wonder why people don’t watch! We lose track. We forget. We tape the wrong things. And good shows lose out. Which means the viewers lose out. And we end up with more and more shows where we watch other people win money cause it is cheaper to give away money than produce a good quality show that can’t hold on to viewers cause the networks are lame about the whole process.

Okay, rant is done. And LOST won’t be on again till February. Maybe The Food Network has something on….