A Powerful Message

Please go check out Mrs. Chili's Letter to the Universe today. She speaks profoundly on behalf of so many who need support. And she links to some other sites that speak just as powerfully.

You rock Mrs. Chili!

In our last episode...

Son2 continues to be in college.

Yeah, that fact alone is a bit surprising to us. I mean, we thought he could do it. On the other hand, we would not have been shocked if it had all come to an end by now.

There have been more major outings to islands. However, he continues to make friends and actively participate in social activities. The day came and went for Early Academic Reports. That's the time when the Learning Specialist would call the parents to let them know their kid was struggling (i.e. had some grade below a C). We got no call...just an e-mail saying he was doing fine. And at the end of their first four weeks this past Monday, he moved up a level.

Level? Yeah, every kid starts on Level 1. Based on a variety of achievements - good grades, passing room inspection, participating in social activities, etc, etc....they can move up to Level 2 after the first month. Level 2 means no more required daily study hall. Later curfew. Permission to join clubs for extracurricular activities, and things like that. If you don't move up at the end of the first four weeks, you get another opportunity every three weeks after that. Eventually, each kid tries to go all the way to Level 3 which gives them additional freedoms such as having a car on campus, etc.

So yep, Son2 is moving up, passing, participating. We are excited. We are proud. And we still hold our breath that each day will be one more day of success.

BTW...if you think the only thing I will ever write about again is Son2, you are wrong. Yet, you would be surprised just how much his energy still dominates our lives even when he lives on the other side of the state!

Island Hopping

In 14 days of college, Son2 has become a person we do not know. When he lived with us, he was chatty with us but totally quiet around others. He had no friends. He didn't go out with others. And he was a slug. He liked to swim, but pretty much any other activity that required any physical effort was met with massive moaning and complaining. It took an act of god to get him to walk to the end of the driveway to get the mail.

Until today. Today he and a few of his new friends (yep, he has new friends...we are still in shock!) left the campus, traveled to the ferry, took the ferry across Long Island Sound to Block Island, rented bikes, and biked all the way around the island. They got some lunch and took the ferry back home.

Our kid did this. Not just other people's kids. OUR kid. It is entirely possible the pod version of him has taken control (sorry for a reference to a movie that might be too old for some of you!).

So what is this like? WEIRD! We are proud of the fact that he is working so hard to make friends. We are excited that he is being successful. But heck, we can't skip over the fact that we are a little concerned. We aren't calling and checking in on him all the time. And we don't have paid spies following him around campus. But it is hard not to worry about a kid who is so enthusiastically embracing the world when he has so little real world experience under his belt.

But he did it. At least he called when he was on the island and we know he did most of it. And we assume he made it back to campus cause we've had no frantic calls from a stranded boy on an island. So we just look at each other, shake our heads, and wonder where this kid came from.

As Daughter says - "that is NOT my brother!"

Where to begin?

It has only been 11 days since Son2 moved to college but it feels like a lifetime! Try to imagine a group of kids - all with some special need and all with some social skills deficit - living and learning together. Sounds like a good plan. But then imagine that same group of kids - with somewhat limited abilities to set boundaries, lots of inability to inhibit impulses, and the first opportunity many of them have ever had not to be the "weird" kid in the resource room - and you start to see the big picture.

It would be fascinating as a clinical study.

It can be a bit scary and challenging as the parent!!

In just 11 days, he has made friends and then decided they weren't such great friends. And then made more friends. And he has watched - and reported in detail - all the making and changing of friends going on around him. Boyfriend/girlfriend pairs have formed...and dissolved. And formed again. Every social interaction is on hyper speed. Limitations on the abilities to inhibit and discriminate seem to open the floodgates for social happenings.

And yes, one girl who had not really talked to Son2 at all for the first few days finally spoke up. Her first words - "wanna have sex with me?" He politely declined.

Classes are going well. He seems to enjoy it for the most part. But make no mistake...it is college being done at an incredibly intense level.

The Fear

As I sit here this morning sipping my coffee and looking at the clock, I'm just one week away from taking Son2 to college. Next Sunday morning, he moves into his dorm. And I'm filled with excitement for him. But I'm also filled with anxiety and fear.

For those of you who have read along, you know enough about Son2 to have some understanding of all this.

The excitement is obvious, for sure. Any parent is excited to see their kid head off to college. Meeting new people, learning new things, taking a big independent step out into the world.

But there have been so many times in his life when we felt that college would never be a realistic option for Son2. The anticipation of him going to college has always been tempered by the reality that he might never go. The complexities of his disabilities just can't be ignored. This was something we knew might never happen.

But now it is. And we are grateful for the opportunity he has. Something for which he worked hard and struggled. And we are excited to see him take this step.

But oh, the anxiety! What will it be like for him? Can he make friends? Will he be able to be successful? Will he have a complete breakdown without the support network he has relied on for his entire life?

I have no doubt he can do the academics. He can read and write well. He can memorize names and dates and places. He can do algebra. He can formulate a good thesis and write a pretty good paper. He is no straight-A kid, but he can do the work.

But will he? Will he be able to make himself? Can he learn to organize his time? His materials? Can he handle the social demands of living in a dorm and attending college? Can he overcome the executive functioning disabilities that are such a part of Asperger's?

Yes, this is a program specifically designed to assist kids with learning disabilities. He'll have lots of help - if he learns to use those resources. And he wants it so badly. But will he take advantage? Can he?

And he feels the anxiety, as well. He just told me this week that the stereotype of the 40-year-old man living in the basement with his mom was, as he put it, "not entirely uncomfortable" for him.

We all have doubts. We all have fears. It will be a long week of final preparations, family dinners, and packing. And we'll move him in next Sunday with our fingers crossed and our lucky rabbit's foot in the pocket. We'll leave him behind....this kid who has never spent a night at a grandparent's house without us there. He'll be there in the dorm, on his own, starting college classes the next morning.

I'll want to call him Sunday night. I'll want to call after every class. But I won't. I know he has to do this.

But how long will it be before the fear goes away?

She says it so well

For any of you who have hung in there with me since early on, you've read posts about Son2 and his struggles with asperger's syndrome, ADHD, OCD, and anxiety disorder. Not an easy cocktail of special needs. And at times, I've tried to write about our struggles to help him and the impact on the family.

Tanya says it so well, I thought I would just send you over to her today. Our stories aren't identical, but I've surely carried Son2 from the store, leaving a week's worth of groceries in the cart, while dragging Son1 along behind.

Thanks, Tanya, for putting it so nicely. Let's hear it for Plan B!

That will be 25¢, please.

Went with Son2 to the DMV this morning. Time to get that official state ID card, since he doesn't drive and have a flashy driver's license to prove he exists. And my dread was just how long it would take. The DMV, at least in CT, is not known for being speedy. People die and wither away just waiting in line at that place.

But I have to admit, they were quick today! We were in and out in less than 30 minutes - ID in hand with a pretty decent photo as a bonus.

But one thing had changed since my last visit.

The entire purpose of the DMV is forms. People filling out forms. Signing forms. Bringing forms from home that allow them to get new forms to be filled out. Forms.

And what do you need for all those forms? Something to write with. The usual pen-on-a-chain kind of thing glued to every counter top in the place.

There were no pens. No dangling chains where pens used to be. In fact, the most basic tool needed to actually accomplish your reason for going to the DMV has vanished.

In its place? Vending machines. Multiple vending machines selling cheaply made pens for 25¢. Yep, you gotta buy a pen to fill out all those forms.

I'm all about saving money, cutting budgets, reducing overhead. But seriously...shouldn't an agency that is all about forms at least have the necessary implements for dealing with those forms?

Just saying.